I am not an abuser

I had a therapy session a few days ago. I shared with my therapist how I had sexual thoughts about children. I have no desire or urge to do anything sexual to children so these thoughts make me grimace and feel dirty and full of shame. I know they have to do with the abuse that was done to me but still I feel horrible every time these images enter my head, I feel like a monster when they come.

After I finished the session, I spend half an hour crying and wailing about how I didn't want to become and abuser and that I am not an abuser. I would sooner kill myself than harm another child, it's too painful to even imagine doing to somebody. After I finished crying in my bed I got angry at dan (the man who abused me - lower case intentional) and started beating the shit out of my bed. I imagined him lying helpless on his back and me strangling him feeling tons of rage. It is because of what he did to me that I have these thoughts, I'm not a monster but he ruined me for now. He stole my childhood and innocence. I hate him with every ounce of my being. I am not an abuser but these thoughts still get to me.

Intense Emotional Episode

I had the best girlfriend up until recently. She was so amazing that she actually ended things with me so that I could focus entirely on myself and my recovery. I was very lucky to have her in my life for that reason. I don't think I would've began recovery at the age of 28 if it were not for her, her love for me somehow overcame my self-hatred.

I have been struggling to figure out how to be friends with her. We started as friends and then became a couple but I now realize I wasn't ready for a romantic relationship but I still want her as my best friend because she's been so supportive and tolerant of my erratic behavior.

I still see her in class and we talk from time to time. Yesterday I went to one of her gigs to be supportive and buy some drinks to increase the chances of her keeping a regular spot. It was so nice to see her happy even if it's not with me doing what she loves (singing). For some reason though afterwards I was so sad, cause I realized I'm not part of her life in the same way at all and I can't share that happiness with her. We ended up talking for a bit afterwards with me nearly in tears saying 'I really miss you' and she suggested we have some more distance before trying to be friends again.

I ended up sleeping only 5 hours and waking up and feeling empty and horrible. How much I missed her just overwhelmed me for hours and I was crying and crying holding my pillow as if it were a person. I miss the safety and comfort she provided me with, I had never felt so protected when she held my head on her chest. I miss her so much and I don't know what to do. The waterworks are starting all over again now. I spent so many hours just weeping and weeping wishing she would come and just hold me. I miss physical contact and intimacy, as much as I rejected it I crave it so much now and I only want it from her. I've never been in this much pain. I'm afraid I've lost her forever. What's worse is that my current inability to have a healthy romantic relationship is not my fault and this asshole robbed me of my dream girl and for that I hate him so much, he has robbed me of a happy relationship with an amazing woman. I had pictured a future with her and now that feels destroyed or at best out of reach.