I had a therapy session a few days ago. I shared with my therapist how I had sexual thoughts about children. I have no desire or urge to do anything sexual to children so these thoughts make me grimace and feel dirty and full of shame. I know they have to do with the abuse that was done to me but still I feel horrible every time these images enter my head, I feel like a monster when they come.
After I finished the session, I spend half an hour crying and wailing about how I didn't want to become and abuser and that I am not an abuser. I would sooner kill myself than harm another child, it's too painful to even imagine doing to somebody. After I finished crying in my bed I got angry at dan (the man who abused me - lower case intentional) and started beating the shit out of my bed. I imagined him lying helpless on his back and me strangling him feeling tons of rage. It is because of what he did to me that I have these thoughts, I'm not a monster but he ruined me for now. He stole my childhood and innocence. I hate him with every ounce of my being. I am not an abuser but these thoughts still get to me.
