I had the best girlfriend up until recently. She was so amazing that she actually ended things with me so that I could focus entirely on myself and my recovery. I was very lucky to have her in my life for that reason. I don't think I would've began recovery at the age of 28 if it were not for her, her love for me somehow overcame my self-hatred.
I have been struggling to figure out how to be friends with her. We started as friends and then became a couple but I now realize I wasn't ready for a romantic relationship but I still want her as my best friend because she's been so supportive and tolerant of my erratic behavior.
I still see her in class and we talk from time to time. Yesterday I went to one of her gigs to be supportive and buy some drinks to increase the chances of her keeping a regular spot. It was so nice to see her happy even if it's not with me doing what she loves (singing). For some reason though afterwards I was so sad, cause I realized I'm not part of her life in the same way at all and I can't share that happiness with her. We ended up talking for a bit afterwards with me nearly in tears saying 'I really miss you' and she suggested we have some more distance before trying to be friends again.
I ended up sleeping only 5 hours and waking up and feeling empty and horrible. How much I missed her just overwhelmed me for hours and I was crying and crying holding my pillow as if it were a person. I miss the safety and comfort she provided me with, I had never felt so protected when she held my head on her chest. I miss her so much and I don't know what to do. The waterworks are starting all over again now. I spent so many hours just weeping and weeping wishing she would come and just hold me. I miss physical contact and intimacy, as much as I rejected it I crave it so much now and I only want it from her. I've never been in this much pain. I'm afraid I've lost her forever. What's worse is that my current inability to have a healthy romantic relationship is not my fault and this asshole robbed me of my dream girl and for that I hate him so much, he has robbed me of a happy relationship with an amazing woman. I had pictured a future with her and now that feels destroyed or at best out of reach.
