Intense Emotional Episode

I had the best girlfriend up until recently. She was so amazing that she actually ended things with me so that I could focus entirely on myself and my recovery. I was very lucky to have her in my life for that reason. I don't think I would've began recovery at the age of 28 if it were not for her, her love for me somehow overcame my self-hatred.

I have been struggling to figure out how to be friends with her. We started as friends and then became a couple but I now realize I wasn't ready for a romantic relationship but I still want her as my best friend because she's been so supportive and tolerant of my erratic behavior.

I still see her in class and we talk from time to time. Yesterday I went to one of her gigs to be supportive and buy some drinks to increase the chances of her keeping a regular spot. It was so nice to see her happy even if it's not with me doing what she loves (singing). For some reason though afterwards I was so sad, cause I realized I'm not part of her life in the same way at all and I can't share that happiness with her. We ended up talking for a bit afterwards with me nearly in tears saying 'I really miss you' and she suggested we have some more distance before trying to be friends again.

I ended up sleeping only 5 hours and waking up and feeling empty and horrible. How much I missed her just overwhelmed me for hours and I was crying and crying holding my pillow as if it were a person. I miss the safety and comfort she provided me with, I had never felt so protected when she held my head on her chest. I miss her so much and I don't know what to do. The waterworks are starting all over again now. I spent so many hours just weeping and weeping wishing she would come and just hold me. I miss physical contact and intimacy, as much as I rejected it I crave it so much now and I only want it from her. I've never been in this much pain. I'm afraid I've lost her forever. What's worse is that my current inability to have a healthy romantic relationship is not my fault and this asshole robbed me of my dream girl and for that I hate him so much, he has robbed me of a happy relationship with an amazing woman. I had pictured a future with her and now that feels destroyed or at best out of reach.

Today sucks

I feel horrible today. I have no desire to do anything, not even eat. Days like today I just need to pass. Days like today I wish I weren't alive to experience them.

I didn't fuck it up

Recently I went to a Mike Lew workshop for male survivors and he played us this song before we got started. This song made me want to cry but I held back my tears since I wasn't ready to weep in front of my peers. This song made me realize that I am not to blame for what was done to me as a child. He abused me, it's his abuse but my wounds. This is something I think many survivors battle with and if a simple song like this can help anyone realize what I did then that is very powerful. When I listen to it now it makes me shed healing tears every time, it wasn't my fault, not at all, it's his abuse to bear and my wounds to heal.

What I realized later was also pivotal. In our society (at least Western ones) I have always felt that a lot of emphasis is placed on individual responsibility which is hard to reconcile with being abused because naturally we are responsible for own actions. However, as a child I had emotional needs that were not met by my loved ones, so naturally when someone else offered to fulfill my basic human emotional needs whatever I had to do in order to have those needs met seemed logical to a child trying to survive in his emotionally absent home.

Like many survivors I have abused myself with drugs and alcohol, hurt others emotionally and done other regrettable acts. What I now realize is that while I am responsible for my actions after the abuse, I am not responsible for the actions that were done to me that led to my future abusive actions towards myself and others. That to me is the way to reconcile society's expectations of responsibility with being a survivor. And to me that's huge, so huge that when I read these words I still get teary eyed cause I'm still processing how I didn't fuck it up. So now it's up to me to go unfuck it up with all my survivor brothers and sisters.